A Birthday Letter to Myself
Letter-Writing by Carl Larsson - 1912 - Nationalmuseum Sweden, Sweden - Public Domain.
For the past seven or eight years, I have endeavored to write a letter to each of our three boys every year on their birthday. In the letters, I attempt to catalog different events from the past year and also write words of prayer and encouragement. The letters are addressed to them at their current age, but I file them away in a folder and intend to give them all of their letters around the age of 18.
This year, on my own birthday, I was inspired to write such a letter to myself! The past year has been one of immense suffering as well as immense growth. The two so often go hand in hand. I have written letters to myself before, mostly to my younger self. This was a new journaling endeavor, and one I found to be quite powerful. I wanted to share this letter with the LGW community in the hopes that someone else might be encouraged by parts of my own story or perhaps even be inspired to write such a letter to their own self.
By way of background, this year I spent months confronting my dad directly about the pain he caused me by leaving and divorcing my mom when I was two. I did this by way of letters because I found I could most honestly and directly communicate that way.
There were many times when I wanted to give up and go back to the old habit of letting him manipulate me by his words and actions. Through a lot of grace and a lot of therapy sessions (and a lot of support from my husband), I was able to stay the course and be more honest with my dad than ever before. The process is still not completed, but I gave voice to my story and doing so has brought me freedom and healing in so many amazing and unexpected ways.
If nothing else, I pray that this letter will inspire you to focus on the good God is doing in your own life and all the ways you have been brave in seeking healing from your own wounds.
Dear Steph,
Happy 36th Birthday!!! 36 seems to me a very satisfying number, probably the OCD talking, but hey, better to be finding pleasure in the number rather than panicking over the fact that you are inching closer to 40!
What a year it’s been! (Apparently this letter requires the use of a large number of exclamation points!)
Although on the surface many things appear to be the same (you still have many of the same health issues, you still struggle with OCD and anxiety, your relationship with your dad is still troubled, you still make mistakes in parenting), I also have seen so much growth in you over the last 12 months. Today, in this letter, I want to focus on that growth. It’s easy to focus on all the bad things. You’ve made quite the habit of it, in fact. So, I feel it’s my duty to help you see a few places of growth and healing in order to encourage you, even just a little.
First, remember your birthday last year? Of course you do. It was quite the stressful mess. You agreed at the last minute to let your dad and stepmom visit, just for the day. At the time, you thought this was the best course of action, the best way to limit your exposure and get the visit ‘over with.’ You were a physical and psychological disaster leading up to the visit. And it took weeks for you to calm down afterwards. Now, of course, you look back and wonder, ‘What was I thinking???’ Even though you deeply regret allowing them to visit and feel you ‘gave in’ and compromised what you wanted for the day, I want to stay with this memory for just a minute longer. I want to point out that you have also been able to follow your therapist’s advice over this moment. You’ve been able to move past regret and shame over your decision in order to also see it as a learning moment. You let this experience teach you to respect your instincts and honor your own needs. This year, when your birthday came around, you knew you didn’t want to open the door to a visit. You knew you needed space and time. You knew you weren’t simply being selfish or uncharitable. This self-awareness, even though it is imperfect, is progress in healing.
Second, let’s talk about boundaries. Expanding from this self-awareness over a birthday visit, you have made amazing progress in respecting your need for boundaries in your relationship with you dad in particular (and this has expanded of course into other areas and relationships). You put in some hard work over the past year, and the past six months in particular. Think about yourself even five years ago. Would your past self have even been able to believe the fact that you asserted yourself with your dad and stepmom and have been setting clear boundaries with them about your wants and needs? I know this has been difficult and uncomfortable. AND you’ve done it. (Many, many times, because as we’ve learned, they are terrible at listening and respecting your requests—but you didn’t give up!!!)
Thirdly, you spent four months this year telling your dad exactly how you feel and how he has hurt you. You were bold and courageous. You wrote to him and told him you were done playing the part of the ‘good daughter,’ that you were immensely hurt by his selfish actions and that you wanted honesty and openness in your relationship. Telling all of this was one of the most courageous things you have ever done. Bearing with his often cruel and bitter responses was even more courageous. You didn’t let him bully you into believing his lies and distortions. You stayed true to your own experience despite his refusal to accept responsibility for his actions. You haven’t backed down from the pain of being truthful in this relationship.
Lastly, and most importantly, you have learned to turn to God even more in your pain. You have allowed Him to sit with you, invited Him into the most painful memories and experiences. You have realized how desperately you need Him to stay and how desperately you want Him to stay. You have allowed Him to stay, to sit, to be with you in the darkness and the loneliness. It brings tears to my eyes as I write about this. In part because the pain has been so heavy and deep for so long and in part because of the relief you are beginning to feel in experiencing the truth that you are never alone to face any of these experiences.
I pray in thanksgiving for all God has done for you over the past year in particular. I pray also that you are able to deepen the healing work He has begun in you and to allow Him to sit with you every day, at every moment, in good times and in bad. I pray you experience more and more God’s gentle, tender Presence in your life.
I love you!
Love,
Steph
Prayer from the Surrender Novena
O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!
The above audio version of this prayer is from the Amen app and is used with the permission of Joshua Abraham from the Augustine Institute.
Learn more about the Surrender Novena given by Jesus to Fr. Dolindo Ruotolo here.
About the author:
Stephanie is a wife and mother of three boys. She and her family live in Pennsylvania. Her husband works for their local parish and she homeschools their boys. She likes reading, watching documentaries, playing board/card games and going for walks without her phone.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Exercise: Write a letter to yourself in the way that Stephanie did above.
What thoughts, feelings, and emotions came up as you read this letter from the author to herself?
Take a moment to focus on the positive/encouraging things about yourself for the good you have done? What comes to mind?
How can doing an exercise like this help bring healing to the wound of divorce? For example, if you did not get love or acceptance as a child, how does it speak to your inner child?