Book Review: “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce” by Elizabeth Marquardt
“‘For I hate divorce,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘And the one who covers his garment with violence,’ says the Lord of hosts. You should be on guard, then, for your life, and you must not break faith.” – Malachi 2:16
This Scripture verse speaks to the heart of Elizabeth Marquardt’s argument against those who assert that there can be such a thing as a “good divorce.” In her book Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, she interweaves raw testimonies from adult children of divorce whom she interviewed, and equally raw statistics and research that expose just how profound the damage and impact of divorce can be on children.
A theme throughout her book is that yes, the impact of divorce can carry on well into adulthood through no fault of the now-adult children involved. The stories and studies she shares provide a response to the voices from other people that may have slowly but surely settled down into the souls of adult children of divorce as sick echoes: Get over it. You’re still not over your parents’ divorce? Why hang onto something that happened decades ago? C’mon, pick yourself up by your bootstraps! After all, God helps those who help themselves. And perhaps most condemningly, You carry that stigma of divorce with you every day. Yes, it may be true that this stigma is something we carry, but we do not know one adult child of divorce who has asked to carry the cross that has been thrust upon our shoulders. Marquardt’s firm, direct tone is effective at silencing these voices and bringing to the forefront the true and lasting effects of divorce.
Between Two Worlds is not a hateful attack against parents who did divorce (and neither is this review), but it is a strong cautionary warning to those who seek to minimize or invalidate the wounds of adult children of divorce, wounds that deserve recognition, validation, and most importantly, compassionate understanding so that healing can begin. Because after all, adult children of divorce deserve no less of a quality life than any other human being. But this realization can be hard for an adult child of divorce to embrace because they have often been asked to sacrifice or settle on their own expectations for their lives, starting from the moment of their parents’ divorce.
We authors are adult children of divorce, and Between Two Worlds said everything we subconsciously knew growing up but couldn’t fully articulate. With heartbreaking realization, an adult child of divorce reading this book will likely start to grasp just how deep and wide the depth of the wound is that has been caused by his or her parents’ divorce. Even the chapter titles convey so much meaning: “Divided Selves,” “Little Adults,” “Early Moral Forgers,” “Secrets,” and what probably most deeply strikes a sickeningly resonant chord, “Child-Sized Old Souls.” One is almost afraid to embark upon this journey of exploring such awful, accurately articulated wounds, but Marquardt also articulates a hope that these wounds can be redemptive and transformative. Plus, the wisdom gained from these wounds can help adult children of divorce know exactly the kind of life they want to build for themselves. The book’s conclusion is a breakthrough of light after the darkness of the preceding chapters. It is a light that illuminates a brighter future for the next generation of families – and society – no matter how dark those places from which that wisdom has been gained.
The introduction to Between Two Worlds frames the challenges that adult children of divorce face by simply naming what can be held against them through no fault of their own – that they come from what society criticizes as “a culture of divorce.” Knowing well how out of place we’ve personally felt in a region of the country populated by wealthy, intact families, this introductory framework was deeply – and sadly – resonant for us. Negative assumptions and judgments can be made about adult children of divorce that can potentially condemn them to feeling like they will suffer a life sentence of stigmatization, ostracism, and exclusion – and this can extend into all aspects of one’s life, even romantic prospects. What was particularly heartbreaking for us to read was a quote from an interviewee in the book who commented that her boyfriend, an adult child of divorce, “makes me a little nervous, quite honestly. It’s almost like coming from a different culture” (p. 5, emphasis ours). Marquardt speedily follows up by offering to the reader, “I hope the fact that her boyfriend’s parents divorced will not dissuade [her] from marrying him if they really love each other” (p. 5). Essentially, parental divorce has the potential to taint someone else’s vision of that adult child, who had zero control in the matter, thus hampering his or her ability to forge the family he or she envisions. The fact that Marquardt bravely sheds light on such a sensitive area of this wound earns our applause. This makes it clear that her mission is to raise awareness about just how deep the impact and damage can be on the lives for adult children of divorce.
One particularly poignant chapter, “Home”, accurately describes the literal deconstruction of one’s childhood through the removal and transfer of their “stuff”, as their one safe world crumbles into two uncertain ones. In contrast to this, Marquardt highlights the positive effects stable marriage has for children – thriving in one safe world, for example. As adult children of divorce, we watched as friends and acquaintances from our youth progressed to full-time jobs, successful marriages, and formed families of their own. They seemed to know something we did not, even though we had worked hard, earned straight A’s in school, and sacrificed for our family. Marquardt helped us to see that when children watch their parents work at successfully merging their lives and values, the children reap the benefits and are able to bring a sense of confidence to beginning their own marriages that adult children of divorce may find more challenging or even enigmatic.
Marquardt also exposes the presence of “happy talk” in our society concerning the potential of divorce to be a “good divorce” in some instances. This exposure parallels our experience of society’s expectation that adult children of divorce should be content – even appreciative – to settle for less than what their peers from intact families often take for granted. Adult children from intact families fully expect and feel they deserve a loving, faithful partner, a reliable means of earning a living, and a comfortable standard of living. Children of divorce, on the other hand, are often made the objects of charity, may expect to take whatever work at whatever unfair wage, and live with the lurking fear that anyone to whom they extend emotional intimacy will betray them and leave them, prompting them to be ready to be on their own at all times.
After reading this book, one can wholly appreciate why Marquardt strongly entreats parents going through relationship crises to salvage their marriages in the interest of their children, if it is safe and psychologically beneficial to do so. In the final pages of the book, Marquardt once again reminds readers of the consequences of divorce that adult children may suffer by listing the full statistics based on questions in a study about their views on all aspects of their lives: God, faith, church, clergy outreach, holidays, relationships, etc. What was particularly inspiring was reading through the many titles of resources that Marquardt offers to those in positions to help adult children of divorce, such as clergy, and of course, all readers.
We urge everyone – not just adult children of divorce – to read this book. We now feel more equipped to offer resources – but most importantly, compassionate understanding – to any whom we may encounter that carries this cross. You are seen. You are heard. You are never alone.
S & J* both serve as teachers. Each enjoys creating their classroom as a safe space for their students to learn, grow, discover themselves, seek truth, and to simply just be. Having journeyed through a Life-Giving Wounds Retreat together this past spring, they are eager to share the fruits of that healing and give a voice to the wounds suffered by adult children of divorce so that the path to transformative healing can be known. In their spare time, they enjoy giving back through community service at their church, praising the Lord in prayer and song, going downtown together, and swapping teaching stories. ☺
We dedicate this post to the few who have been brave enough to receive our wounds and offer themselves as vessels of God’s grace to bring about redemptive, transformative healing in our hearts and relationships with our earthly parents and our Heavenly Father.
*Pseudonyms used at authors’ request.