Divorce and Grandparents: My Story
Papa Dave, Fr. David, author’s Dad, c. 1995
I have heard it said that being a grandparent is like getting a second chance but now with more wisdom, time, and money. As a priest, I will never get to verify this aphorism firsthand, but it is something I often think about in regard to my name-sake and primary father figure, Papa Dave — my father’s father.
My paternal grandfather was part of the Greatest Generation. He certainly lived up to the stereotype. He was one of five boys that grew up during the Great Depression. His own father came back shell-shocked from the First World War and left the family when David was still in elementary school. Through considerable hard work and study, David was accepted into Stanford University’s engineering department. During his sophomore year, the United States entered the Second World War. David enlisted in the Army. He became a B-24 bomber pilot. He flew thirty-five missions and was shot down twice; facts I only learned after I requested his service records long after he passed in 2005. These records also included details about how he earned the purple heart, flying cross, and several air medals. After the War, he finished his studies at Stanford and became a petroleum engineer. He eventually operated his own drilling company and traveled extensively along the Rocky Mountains to support his wife and six boys at their home in Denver. Also true to the stereotype, he provided a very good life with many opportunities and privileges for his boys. He did not want them to experience the same hardships he did. I speculate he was not only physically absent but also emotionally absent much of the time while raising his children. I was his first grandchild (by a few months). By the time I was four, my Dad left my Mom and started a new family. Whether it was conscious or not, I was Papa Dave’s second chance at being a parent.
My mom and I lived about one mile from Papa Dave and Mama Marge. My early childhood involved frequent sleepovers at their house. I remember I would often wake up early in hopes of sneaking cookies, only to find Papa Dave watching Winnie the Pooh by himself. Maybe he was waiting for me? I do not know. I do think as the author A.A. Milne created this world as his own way to cope with his service in the Great War, there was something therapeutic for my grandfather in that Hundred Acre Wood. Papa Dave would often pick me up from school and we would go to baseball games, museums, or parks together. We would make kites from scratch and build model planes together. As I got older, he would take me and my cousins out of school for a week in October so he could teach how to fly fish and hunt. I think it was his second chance at being a father and certainly afforded me the opportunity to experience fatherhood. For me, he was a larger-than-life person whose gentle presence commanded the entire room.
I know not all children of divorce have the same experience with their grandparents. Both of my mom’s parents passed before I was born. Perhaps my Mama Marge and Papa Dave leaned in a little more than most because it was their son who left my mom and me. I am sure for some children of divorced parents, it can be painful and bewildering to navigate to four sets of grandparents and not exactly sure how they all make sense.
While God certainly does not will divorce, I know through my Papa Dave, God provided what I needed in a father figure. I like to think that the gift was reciprocated, and I was able to afford him with a second chance at fatherhood.
Pope Benedict XVI's Prayer for Grandparents
Lord Jesus,
you were born of the Virgin Mary,
the daughter of Saints Joachim and Anne.
Look with love on grandparents the world over.
Protect them! They are a source of enrichment
for families, for the Church and for all of society.
Support them! As they grow older,
may they continue to be for their families
strong pillars of Gospel faith,
guardians of noble domestic ideals,
living treasuries of sound religious traditions.
Make them teachers of wisdom and courage,
that they may pass on to future generations the fruits
of their mature human and spiritual experience.
Lord Jesus,
help families and society
to value the presence and role of grandparents.
May they never be ignored or excluded,
but always encounter respect and love.
Help them to live serenely and to feel welcomed
in all the years of life which you give them.
Mary, Mother of all the living,
keep grandparents constantly in your care,
accompany them on their earthly pilgrimage,
and by your prayers, grant that all families
may one day be reunited in our heavenly homeland,
where you await all humanity
for the great embrace of life without end. Amen!
(The above prayer was found on the Catholic Grandparent’s Association website here.)
About the Author:
Father David Dufresne is a Catholic priest of the Diocese of Arlington. He currently serves as the parochial vicar at St. Charles Borromeo parish.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
What stood out to you about how Papa Dave played a role in young Fr. David’s life?
Does Papa Dave remind you of a characteristic of either of your grandparents?
In what ways do grandparents play an important role in the lives of children of divorced parents?
What advice would you give to grandparents in loving their grandchildren through the tumultuous season after parental divorce?
If Fr. David’s story resonated with you, we invite you to share your story with us and our community. Please consider writing a blog post on the topic of grandparents and the role grandparents play in the lives of ACODs. You do not have to carry the darkness alone.
Or join us at an upcoming Life-Giving Wounds event.
Together, we can walk into the light.