Finding Freedom Through the Love of the Father: A reflection on my LGW retreat experience
When I looked at my phone and saw my friend Beth's text, inviting me to attend the online Life-Giving Wounds retreat for adult children of divorce, I simultaneously cringed, thinking "absolutely not!”, but I also knew somewhere deep down inside of me that I needed to do it. I made every excuse in the book: I'm too busy, I don't have enough money, I don't need to process my parent's divorce...on and on. Each excuse I gave, the Holy Spirit rooted deeper and deeper inside of my heart that little whisper of "this could be so good. Jesus wants to heal you. Be not afraid." Then Beth gave answers to each excuse: "they have scholarships, it's only an hour and a half each week, we would most likely be in the same small group" and before I knew it, I was on the website signing up for the retreat. Ready or not, I was going to enter in, and I was terrified.
As the first night of the retreat got closer, my nerves were trying to get the better of me. By the time the retreat started, I was shaking! I didn’t know what to expect, and I don’t love when things are out of my control! But I knew deep down that the Lord was asking big things of me, and that if I only opened my hands to receive what He wanted to give me through the next seven weeks, all would be well. I had felt a small inkling to seek healing from my parents’ divorce, but I didn’t know how to go about doing that. Honestly, I didn’t really think I should seek healing. It made me feel guilty to admit that I was still struggling and on top of everything, my family had no idea I felt this way.
The first retreat session began, and I ended up crying my way through. I had never felt so validated before in my life. I heard for the first time that my pain and sadness over my parents’ broken marriage was real. Journaling through the first week of questions and trying to write my own story was eye-opening. I realized I had never once tried to talk about my parents’ divorce with anyone. They divorced when I went away to college, so I stopped going home and was able to pretend like that wasn’t part of my life. I realized that even some of my dearest friends, who are still friends now, have never heard me talk about the divorce. I shoved all my feelings down deep and locked the door. My parents were happy with their decision, so why wasn’t I? It felt like the flood gates of my heart had been opened, and I finally had a voice to express things I had been feeling and didn’t know how to vocalize or really even to process.
During the first small group session, I was again floored to hear people I had never met before express the same things and the same feelings about their parent’s divorce. No one got mad when I expressed how sad I was, no one judged me for not just “getting over it.” I felt understood in a way I have never felt before. This felt like another level of freedom had been opened in my heart and I understood on a deeper level the fact that we truly are made for communion. Trying to carry all of these feelings alone for so long was unnecessary. The Lord didn’t waste any time breaking through the walls of my heart; they came tumbling down in the first few weeks of the retreat.
Outside of the weekly retreat time, the Lord seemed to be taking my experiences inside the retreat and applying them to real life situations. Looking back over the past month, it seems that the Lord was fighting hard for my healing - much harder than I was fighting for myself. All my life I have avoided conflict. I will do anything in my power to make sure everyone around me is happy, and I’ll internalize any tension I may feel between people I love. I realized only recently that this behavior is the result of feeling like I have to walk around on eggshells around my parents, especially my dad. I not only recognized this defense mechanism within myself, but the Lord gave me the chance to fight through it. Through the love of another person, He spoke truth into my heart: just because there is conflict in a relationship does not mean I am loved any less. I learned for the first time with new eyes that friends and family members are allowed to disagree and even have an argument without the fear of someone leaving. This had never before been my experience. All arguments were explosive, loud, and ended with someone leaving. This loved one told me that I was worth fighting for and they loved me and our friendship enough to fight for it. It didn’t have to end just because we were fighting. This new realization helped me to see that I don’t have to be the perfect friend, coworker, or daughter without any faults and failings. I could make a mistake or disagree with someone and still be loved. This was a profound experience of the Father’s love for me. He doesn’t toss me aside and leave at the first sign of conflict. He fights for me and loves me, unconditionally.
This experience has allowed me to open up my heart even further and to desire continued healing. I don’t want to tense up at the smallest hint of conflict. I think attending the retreat gave me the confidence to know that going to therapy and seeing a counselor would be a good next step. There is still healing to be done and freedom to be sought. I would never have been able to make this leap on my own, though. It’s only through the gift of the retreat and hearing over and over again that I am worthy to be made whole that gives me the strength to take this next step.
I have learned that healing is real and God desires resurrection for us all. My life has been made new, and just as Christ appeared with wounds even in His resurrected body, my life will always carry these wounds - but I’ve found freedom, I’ve found my voice. I can freely talk and express how I feel, and I can say out loud for the first time ever that what my parents did was wrong, and I’m allowed to be hurt and sad by it. A new part of my heart has been uncovered and joy is beginning to bubble over. Friends have commented multiple times on how happy I seem and how a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can only attribute this to my new understanding of just how loved I am by God the Father. I want other people to know how much they are loved and how much He truly desires to heal us! In the words of St. John Paul the Great, be not afraid!
———
Morgan McGinn lives in Denver, Colorado and is a 2nd grade teacher at the greatest Catholic school ever. She loves it so much she’s been teaching there for 10 years now! Before teaching, Morgan worked as a FOCUS missionary and loved the time she spent living out east in the Washington DC area and New Jersey. In her opinion, early morning Mass followed by reading a good book at a coffee shop is one of the best ways to spend time outside of work.