Restoring My Attachment to the Father
Photo by Thays Orrico on Unsplash
Several years ago, my desire for restored relationship with my mother, and her side of the family, unexpectedly and painfully cascaded me into estrangement with my father, and his side. Throughout the unfolding of this separation, I internalized many accusatory words spoken over me suggesting that God sees me in a terrible light. My father also told me that he regretted my parents’ union and the sacrifices he made for me when I was a child. I thought that if this was how my father saw me, God the Father might too. So, even though God remained one of the most important aspects of my life, I fearfully guarded my heart from the Holy Spirit as an act of self-protection.
Not uncommon, though tragic, I painted the wounds from my earthly father onto the canvas of my image of God. At the time, I could not yet separate the truths of Jesus Christ from the lies that the Accuser, Satan, was regularly suggesting to me long after those initial statements were made by my father. I genuinely thought that God was merely putting up with me and that I could easily lose His love—if I had not already—based on how fragile my father’s love was. I was worried, despite what I knew intellectually to be true of Jesus (see John 3:17) that if I gave Him just a moment to speak to my heart in prayer, I would be condemned. Sometimes I would sense the Holy Spirit saying “I love you,” but I would chalk it up to me simply telling myself what I would like to hear. Evidently, I had an ambivalent attachment.
I continued to read Scripture (especially the Psalms), prayed hesitantly, and took an intellectual deep-dive into Catholicism which the Holy Spirit used for my reversion. One of the primary ways in which I became interested in giving Catholicism a second look was through coming across Life-Giving Wounds’ blog. I was searching for answers to questions about God’s design for marriage and family, and this resource kept coming up in my searches. The more I read, the more I realized I had a lot more to learn about Jesus and His good desires for the gifts the Father gave him: us (Cf. John 17:24a)! My desire to know the truth and acts of the will evidence the reality that Jesus was still pursuing me, his lost sheep, when I was internally avoidant (Cf. Luke 15).
Without being conscious of it, I had rewritten part of John 6:37—“I will not reject anyone who comes to me”—to say, “I will reject you so long as your father does.” So, the mission became to get my father to love me again, to hear my pain, to see me … to no avail. Rather, I was repeatedly re-wounded.
Eventually, I found myself at a Blessed is She retreat in which Father John Burns shared a stunning Scriptural message of our Heavenly Father’s love (I will quote that at the end of this article in hopes that it is a healing balm for you, too). Receiving the words he spoke proved to be a pivotal moment in my life.
For the first time, I distinguished my parent’s opinion of me from the truth that God declares over me. As I sat in the pew with awe, I decided that I would open my heart up to the Holy Spirit again. Later on, Father John encouraged all of the women in attendance to let Jesus look at our faces when he came before us in the Blessed Sacrament (Cf. CCC 1330) during a Eucharistic procession. As someone who was mid-way through OCIA in order to be confirmed (a sacrament I had never received while raised by divorced parents who were part of different faith traditions), adoration was new for me. Yet, I was open to putting myself before Him. When Jesus came before me, a strong burning sensation came about around my ears. This is a sensation I have never experienced otherwise. I sensed the Holy Spirit telling me that I had received, through my ears, and believed, with my mind, lies about who I am to Him. Once I sat back onto the pew, I began journaling everything I sensed Him saying to me:
“I do not believe these things about you. I only believe the truth about who you are … I am proud of you. Your maternal love is beautiful. When I see your baby’s beauty, I do not forget you. I love you. I am with you. You are seen. I know you. I am committed to you. I know marriage has not been easy. Stay faithful as I am faithful to you—this love is fruitful. I have called you to this ... I have humbled myself so much so that I can be carried from the tabernacle to an altar—this is how close I choose to be. None of you is a mistake, all of you was willed by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. We agreed on your life …”
Since that retreat, my earthly father has not been part of the restoration of my heart (just the opposite). Thankfully though, my husband, children, close friends, mentors, Sisters and priests, Mary and the saints, and our trinitarian God have been. Teachings such as St. Ignatius’ rules for discernment of spirits have been helpful, too. And, now, I am profoundly struck by the importance of our ears—mine and yours. I sometimes look at my children’s tiny ears and am filled with reverence for who God has entrusted to me as a mother. My words can help them to believe in the love God has for them, to reflect their goodness back to them, to help them to feel safe in remaining receptive to my voice and even to the Holy Spirit’s. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21) This truth falls perfectly in line with another one: my husband and I are the first heralds of the faith for our children (see CCC 1656).
As someone who is mostly found at home or in the quiet of nature with my active toddlers, there is so much opportunity to listen to the Accuser or to the Good Shepherd, old lies or eternal truths, my inner critic or the unfading, hope-filled promises given to me through baptism and adoption into God’s family (Cf. 1 John 3:2). As I was struggling to live in the present today, I folded laundry while listening to a talk that Father John had given at another women’s conference. He proposed that, rather than project our earthly father’s shortcomings on our Heavenly Father, we could start somewhere completely different. What if the ways our early fathers fall short tell us nothing about what God the Father is like? We are not bound to the lens by which we see him right now. We could instead see the ways that our earthly fathers have hurt us as part of the brokenness of humanity, but not the Father. And he said that “when you make that move, the beautiful and the hopeful up-welling of the heart is the discovery that I have a lot more to learn about my Father.” [1] I thank God for this truth! He knew that I needed to hear this.
What I have written up until now reminds me of a favorite quote from Catholic Priest and psychologist Henri Nouwen: “For us, the greatest temptation is to lose touch with the Blessing. We are Beloved Sons and Daughters of God. When we live our suffering under the Blessing, even the greatest pain, yes, even death, will lead us deeper into the forgiving and lifegiving heart of God. But when we think we are not loved, when we reflect on ourselves as living under a curse, when we say or think: “I am not good,” our suffering will lead us to despair and our death cannot give life.” [2]
May you and I be receptive to the truth of who we are, allowing Love to speak to our hearts.
Meditation written and spoken by Father John Burns on the Father’s love:
“My beloved one, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. I drew you with human cords, with bands of love. I fostered you like one who raises an infant to his cheeks. Yes, you are my beloved child and in you I am well pleased. I have chosen you and not cast you away. Your name shall be my delight, for I delight in you, as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride. And even though the mountains may fall away and the hills may be shaken, my love will never fall away from you. I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Do you not perceive it? For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, plans for your welfare and not for your woe, so that I can give you a future full of hope. When you call me, I will listen to you. When you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, for I am with you. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you, I will fight for you, and I will not withdraw my merciful love from you. And so, my daughter, my dove, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely. Behold, I am always with you. Do not be afraid. I have called you by name and you are mine. You are precious in my eyes and honored. And I love you. You are precious in my eyes. You are honored. And I love you. You are precious in my eyes, and you are honored, and I love you.” [1]
Prayer: Excerpts from the Litany of Trust by the Sisters of Life
From the belief that I have to earn Your love
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that I am unlovable
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute
Deliver me, Jesus.
From all suspicion of Your words and promises
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You
Deliver me, Jesus.
From disbelief in Your love and presence
Deliver me, Jesus.
That You will not leave me orphan, that You are present in Your Church
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You always hear me and in Your goodness always respond to me
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others
Jesus, I trust in You.
That my life is a gift
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You will teach me to trust You
Jesus, I trust in You.
That I am Your beloved one
Jesus, I trust in You”
(The above prayer was found on the Sister’s of Life website here. We invite you to pray with an audio version of this full prayer which can be found on the Amen app here.)
About the author:
The author is a wife, mother, and Life-Giving Wounds retreat alum. She enjoys reading about the saints, spending time outdoors with her children, and having conversation over cappuccinos with her husband.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
Take some time to reread or listen to Father John Burns’ meditation on the Father’s love. Afterwards, write out your thoughts and feelings. How is the Lord speaking to you through it?
Do you believe that you are a joy for our Heavenly Father?
What is one way that God has strengthened your trust in His unconditional love for you?
Describe a time in which you sensed Christ’s loving gaze on you.
Endnotes
GIVEN Institute. (2022). A Word from the Father’s Heart - Fr. John Burns - 2022 GIVEN Forum. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JSBTCzjVVI
Henri Nouwen Society. Live Under the Blessing. (2024). https://henrinouwen.org/meditations/live-under-the-blessing-2/
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Books of the Bible. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/bible
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic church. USCCB. https://usccb.cld.bz/Catechism-of-the-Catholic-Church/
Sisters of Life. (n.d.). Litany of Trust. https://sistersoflife.org/litany-of-trust/