Book Review: The Bible and Marriage: The Two Shall Become One Flesh by Dr. John Bergsma
Bergsma, J. S. (2024). Bible and Marriage: The Two Shall Become One Flesh : The Two Shall Become One Flesh. Baker Academic, 270 pages.
Dr. John Bergsma’s The Bible and Marriage: The Two Shall Become One Flesh has been praised as an exegetical masterpiece that distills the Bible’s teachings on marriage found in the Old and New Testaments in a comprehensive manner accessible to lay readers. While all of this is true, for an adult child of divorce, this book is so much more—it is like life-giving water for a parched soul. For me, it offers a healing lens to view marriage, not through the brokenness I witnessed growing up, but through the understanding of God’s original design as revealed in His Word. In reading this book, I found not only clarity, but also hope—a disentangling of the misconceptions I carried, and a deeper trust in God’s sacred plan for love and marriage.
In 2020, I found myself experiencing a kind of survivor’s guilt. As the year drew to a close, I felt relatively unscathed compared to many around me—people who, in addition to enduring the isolation and uncertainty of the COVID-19 pandemic, also suffered the loss of loved ones, jobs, and their sense of peace. But just eight days before the end of the year, my “luck” ran out and the words I had long feared—yet somehow never truly believed I would hear—were spoken by my parents: “We are getting a divorce.”
I’ll never forget my first thought:
“Thank God I know God.”
I was raised in a cradle Catholic family, but sadly, over time, we all drifted away from the faith. By God’s grace alone, I found my way back to Him in college. In that moment of the announcement of my parents’ divorce, I was most afraid for my family—who did not have the stability and grounding of the Father and the Church—to face the earth-shattering disruption that, though none of us could fully anticipate, inevitably lay ahead.
But what I failed to grasp was how much I still needed to truly “know God”—specifically, His original design for marriage. I needed to return to what God Himself says marriage is, in His Word.
Even with my faith, even in reading through the entire Bible multiple times, having a good relationship with the Father through daily prayer, healing through ministries such as Life-Giving Wounds, and entering into a beautiful marriage myself—I still had yet to realize that my understanding of the Father’s intention for this sacrament was deeply distorted. Without realizing it, the “hardness of your hearts” Jesus speaks of in Matthew 19 had crept into my own heart—not in defiance of his teachings, but innocently, through wounds and misperceptions that had never truly healed.
How could I really blame myself… and Dr. Bergsma agrees. We often look to the fathers of faith, leading men and women throughout Scripture, as a model for a life of holiness. But, as Dr. Bergsma points out in his book, throughout both the Old and New Testaments, several marriages disfigured God’s original design for marriage as a lifelong, faithful, and sacrificial union between one man and one woman. Polygamous relationships like those of Jacob with Leah and Rachel, or Solomon with his many foreign wives, led to jealousy, division, and slander—contradicting the unity and exclusivity God intended in Genesis. Marriages built on manipulation or moral compromise, like Ahab and Jezebel's or Ananias and Sapphira’s in Acts of the Apostles, encouraged their spouses to rebel against God rather than serve Him. Likewise, in 1 Samuel 25, Nabal’s harsh and selfish treatment of Abigail—set against her wisdom and humility—reveals a marriage devoid of respect, virtue, and the harmony God desires between spouses.
When I read Scripture, these were all I could see. God, You say “From the beginning it was not so” (Mathew 19:8) but to me, it sure looks like it! It was only when I began to read The Bible and Marriage that I truly came to understand His original design. Dr. Bergsma draws the reader's attention to relationships such as Isaac and Rebekah’s, rooted in prayer and obedience, continuing God’s covenant, while Moses and Zipporah illustrate how a wife’s spiritual discernment protected her husband’s calling. He points to Manoah and his wife, whose spiritual unity brought forth Samson. Tobit's marriage to Sarah, seen as the pinnacle of God’s intention because it exemplifies faithfulness, mutual devotion, and divine protection amid trials, ultimately reflecting God’s desire for a lifelong, covenantal union blessed through prayer and righteousness.
Though not perfect, these marriages reflect faith, humility, and spiritual sensitivity, and in response, God blesses them with divine help and fruitfulness. God honors holy marriages—or even holy moments within imperfect marriages—because, let’s be honest, no marriage is truly perfect. Dr. Bergsma emphasizes that Scripture presents both good and bad marriages because that is just the reality, but it is through God’s approval, blessings, and praise of the faithful unions—contrasted with the curses on the flawed ones—that His true intention for marriage is revealed.
Beyond just looking at the marriages in Scripture, Dr. Bergsma also helps readers understand his original plan for marriage through his covenantal marriage laws, which are also often a source of misinterpretation of God’s design for marriage.
Many Old Testament marriage laws—such as those regulating polygamy, the “buying” of a wife, marrying a woman captured in war, and divorce—often lead to misunderstandings about God’s original design for marriage. However, when interpreted correctly, as Dr. Bergsma does, it becomes undeniable that God’s intention was always for monogamous, mutually respectful relationships. For instance, polygamy was permitted in some cases but never endorsed as God’s ideal; these laws simply regulated a common practice that often resulted in family conflict and strayed from God’s original plan of one man and one woman. Take Abraham’s marriage to Hagar as a second wife (or concubine), which caused jealousy and tension between Sarah and Hagar (Genesis 16). This conflict brought emotional pain and lasting strife among their descendants, showing the harmful effects of polygamy. Secondly, though far from perfect, the law concerning marrying a captive woman aimed to prevent exploitation and protect her dignity. It required the man to bring her into his home, give her time to mourn her family, and treat her as a wife—not a slave or object. If he later chose not to marry her, he was forbidden from selling or mistreating her, ensuring she was cared for and given status in a harsh and violent world. Lastly, and most personally, divorce, permitted as a concession to human weakness and “hardness of heart,” was carefully regulated to safeguard vulnerable spouses—especially women—from abandonment and injustice. Throughout the Old Testament, prophets and Wisdom literature frequently compare Israel’s unfaithfulness to adultery and betrayal, revealing the deep hurt caused by breaking the marriage covenant. Just as God condemns Israel’s spiritual “divorce,” He does not endorse divorce between husband and wife, emphasizing His desire for faithful, lifelong commitment.
There’s so much more I could say—especially about how Dr. Bergsma beautifully unpacks Jesus’ teachings on marriage in light of the Old Testament foundations. And the New Testament insights — they’re just as rich! So from one ACOD to another, I just truly encourage you to discover it for yourself.
As I turned each page, I felt my misconceptions gently unravel. Truth began to take root deep within me. Where I once saw marriage as chaotic, unpredictable, and broken—disfigured by my own experiences and a misguided reading of Scripture’s marriages and laws—I began to see something entirely different. Instead, I began to see with clarity God’s sacred and intentional design. Reading this was nothing short of a restoration—a healing of the warped image I carried of God as a distant, absent Father.
I no longer lived in the shadow of “because of the hardness of your hearts,” but began to walk into the light of “from the beginning, it was not so.”
Prayer for marriage written by the author and her husband:
Loving and merciful God. Guide us through our marriage as you have so many other days. Through the times we didn’t know you, you were with us. Through the times where we suffered in the darkness of night, you were with us. So now we can pray in confidence that in this Divine monotony, you are with us. May we always be united to You and each other as a family. Amen
About the author:
Elisa is a faithful Catholic wife and daughter. After her conversion in college she has worked for the Church in various capacities and now serves as the Public Relations Specialist for the St. Paul Center for Biblical Theology founded by Dr. Scott Hahn. Elisa went on her first Life Giving Wounds retreat in the fall of 2022, two years after her parents divorce, and has been involved in the ministry ever since. She is eternally grateful for the profound depths of healing and restoration she has received through the LGW family. Outside of work you can find Elisa exploring the beautiful wilderness of the Blue Ridge Mountains with her husband, diving into a Scripture or a good book, or catching up with friends and family.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
Take some time to read what the Catechism of the Catholic Church has to say about marriage in God’s plan. How does it speak to you and your own conception of marriage, especially as an ACOD bearing the weight of familial divorce or separation?
If you have read the book, what are your thoughts and how it speaks to you as an ACOD?
Which scriptural marriage example discussed in the review—whether flawed or faithful—stood out most to you? Why? How did it help clarify or challenge your existing views on marriage?
What misconceptions have you had about God’s original design for marriage, and what do you think influenced those beliefs? How does understanding God's true design—through Scripture—begin to challenge or reshape those misconceptions?
What new theological or biblical insight from Dr. Bergsma’s book most impacted your view of the sacrament or covenant of marriage?
God honors holy marriages. What holy marriages in Sacred Scripture most inspire you? How can you practically live out their virtues in your relationships?
What practical step can you take to heal your own understanding of marriage—whether you are married, single, divorced, or an ACOD?
If you are married, or hope to be, how can you more intentionally align your relationship with the biblical model of covenantal love, sacrifice, and mutual respect described in this book?
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