Opening My Heart To a Love that Lasts a Lifetime
My parents got a divorce shortly after my first birthday.
As a mother of two young children (one and two) myself, I couldn’t fathom leaving my children at such a young age. I knew plenty of couples who waited to get a divorce until the kids were older, but that wasn’t the case for me as a child.
I am an only child and my mom raised me with her tribe of family and friends. I like to think that I was raised by many mothers.
Thankfully, my dad has still been a part of my life and when I was younger I would stay with him on most weekends.
Fortunately, I was too young to understand what was going on and to experience the pain that older children experience at the time when their parents go through a divorce. But that didn’t stop me from having the same questions later on in life.
The biggest question I had was, “Was I not good enough for my dad to stay?” and now that I’m a mom, I couldn’t imagine the pain that my mom must have gone through. Being left alone with her first baby. Figuring out parenthood by herself. I commend her for how strong and brave she is.
Growing up, my mom had many guy friends but that was as far as her relationship with them would get. As I have gotten older, I’ve seen how my parents’ divorce still affects her, and even though I wish I could take that hurt away, this is something that can only be healed between her and God.
I felt helpless in a sense that I couldn’t find someone for my mom, not only for her companionship but also because I was an only child and desired to have the spotlight taken off of myself. If only my mom had a partner, or if I had a sibling!
My dad was quite the opposite of my mom. He continued his quest for love and companionship. He remarried and divorced, and remarried again.
What I saw growing up was a lack of commitment, and this was reflected in my dating relationships. I was usually the one to pursue relationships, but I was always the one to end them. I always took the easy way out.
When my future husband Raphy asked me if I would like to enter into a courtship with him to discern marriage together, I was excited but also scared because I didn’t know what this journey would entail. I also didn’t know if I would be truly ready to say “yes” to marriage. I desired to be married, but would I be able to do my part in it?
Thankfully, the good Lord worked through my husband, who showed me a different way of being in a relationship. A way that was joyous and life-giving, compared to my past relationships that were more often than not life-draining.
For the first time in my life, I was being led by a man, not a boy, and he was pursuing me, not the other way around. I’ve been in relationships where I felt like I was giving my 110%, and they gave me 50%. Raphy gave me his 110% and I felt my heart healing from the past relationships I was hurt and disappointed from.
How Raphy loved me was refreshing. He always invited me to the sacraments (even while he never pressured me to deepen my relationship with Christ). He planned the majority of our dates and was chivalrous. I used to think he was close to perfection (because only Christ is truly perfect), and that he was a modern day prince charming, the one I wrote off in those silly fairy tales.
Through our relationship, I found healing through how he loved me. His love and God’s grace helped me realize that I am capable of great love, and that I am not my parents. Just because there was a lack of commitment in their marriage doesn’t mean that my marriage has to be the same.
One big difference between Raphy and the rest of the men (or should I say boys?) that I dated was that Raphy was living out his Catholic faith in an authentic and on fire way. In my past relationships, they were either Christian but didn’t live virtuously, or they were Catholic and struggled with living out their Catholic values.
It was the strength of Raphy’s faith that made me feel safe to take the next steps of our relationship. I knew that he wouldn’t lead us astray, and that I won’t either. I knew that he would protect my heart, that he would provide for me and whatever kids God would bless us with. I knew that as long as we kept God truly in the center of our relationship, that God would be our strength and always provide for us.
When Raphy and I got engaged, we knew that divorce wouldn’t be an option in our marriage, and that whatever came our way, we’d figure it out together. Now we’re happily married with two children and one on the way after four years of marriage (my longest relationship!), and passing on our knowledge to other couples because we believe that we can heal the world by building stronger marriages.
Raphy & I work with many Catholic couples, and some of them also come from divorced families. They come to us with a zeal to create something new for themselves. They are determined to make their relationship work for a lifetime. Your parents’ past doesn’t have to be your future. If you’re desiring to learn the necessary skills for your relationship, to grow closer to Christ as a couple, and to be surrounded by other couples who desire the same, apply for our Holy Couples Coaching Program at www.holycouplescoaching.com/apply.
About the Author
Sara Feolino & her husband, Raphy, are the founders of Journey to Marriage, a ministry that empowers Catholic couples to create holy and healthy relationships before marriage. She is a Certified Relationship Coach & is the co-host of the podcast, Journey to Marriage, which reaches Catholic couples worldwide, sharing practical spiritual, relationship, & wedding advice. Together, Sara and Raphy hosted the first virtual conference for couples preparing for marriage, the Catholic Engaged Summit in 2020, a virtual event featuring over 60+ married Catholic speakers sharing their marriage secrets & expertise to Catholics around the world, as well as the Catholic Courtship Summit in 2022. They live in Las Vegas, Nevada and are huge foodies, enjoy jamming to music and having living room dance parties, and loving on two children while preparing for one on the way! Visit their website at www.journeytomarriage.com & subscribe to their podcast!
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Like Sara with Raphy, have you found healing by allowing someone else to love you? Through that, have you realized that you are “capable of great love, and that [you are] not [your] parents?”
What lessons can ACODs draw from Sara and Raphy’s dating life, as described in the article, that can be utilized in your relationships (as someone who is married, as someone looking to be married, or as someone discerning the religious life?