Silence
Workshop of Rogier van der Weyden (Flemish, c. 1399-1464). c. 1460. The Crucifixion with a Carthusian Monk. Painting. Place: The Cleveland Museum of Art, Cleveland, Ohio, USA, Collection: MED - Medieval Art, Department: Medieval Art, Gallery: 112 Northern Renaissance, Provenance: (A. S. Drey, Munich and New York)., Delia E. Holden and L. E. Holden Funds. https://library.artstor.org/asset/24585764.
Go. Go. Go.
Do. Do. Do.
Achieve.
Impress.
Earn.
I am tired and aching.
Worn down.
Exhausted.
I am afraid to stop,
Afraid of the silence.,
Afraid the silence will be empty.
His silence has been,
Is,
empty.
If I stop, I feel it:
I ache for his presence,
I needed him then.
I need him now.
‘Dad’ has become an empty word,
Spoken with no response.
The space is void.
Silence has meant absence,
A lack,
A black hole,
Sucking in hope, joy, peace, love.
I wonder now,
Are You the same?
If I show up,
Will You show up?
Or will there be more empty silence?
On the edges,
I feel You waiting, guarding, knocking, inviting.
I want to let you in,
But…
How much more,
How much more emptiness,
Ache, longing,
Can my heart hold,
Before it gives in,
Gives out,
Gives up,
Gives over to the void?
Push and pull.
Back and forth.
Competing desires:
Protection vs self-protection.
The longer I wait,
The more the agony grows within,
Groans within,
Until at last the only answer is to enter in.
I speak to the silence:
I am here.
I am waiting.
I am showing up.
I plunge into the silence,
Hold my breath,
And wait…
Slowly I begin
To see more than my past,
To know with mind AND heart,
To feel in the deepest depths of me…
My words were not the beginning,
They are an echo,
A response.
My reality is shaped by Reality,
Speaking Love and Truth from all Eternity,
Claiming me,
Naming me,
Creating me.
In the beginning was the Word:
I AM always here.
I Am always waiting.
I AM always shows up.
Stop.
Enter in.
Be.
Be filled.
Be loved.
I am here.
Rest in Silence.
About the Poem:
As I travel into the deeper places in my heart, in prayer and in therapy, I have found a deep craving for silence, right alongside a deep fear of silence. At the core of my fear, is the fear that God will not ‘show up’ in the silence. Growing up, and to this day, my relationship with my dad has been marked by an empty silence. He has been physically absent for many of the key moments in my life and emotionally absent in the moments he was present. I fear the same pattern will present itself in my relationship with God.
As I have pressed into this fear of ‘empty silence,’ God has been faithful and gentle. He has taught me, above all, that He is always waiting, always calling, always present. In fact, He is the one constantly waiting for me to show up! When I enter into silence, God is already waiting there. As I continue to enter into silence in my life and prayer, I still feel that fear, whispering in my ear, tempting me to turn away and walk away, but every time I am honest and enter in, I am rewarded with the presence of God Himself. I pray that as you read this poem and description, you may be inspired to put out into the deep and brave the silence. It may be terrifying, but we must always remember: “You were not given a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Intercessory prayer
Saint John of Nepomuk, patron saint of silence, pray for us.
About the Author:
Stephanie is a wife and mother of three boys. She and her family live in Pennsylvania. Her husband works for their local parish and she homeschools their boys. She likes reading, watching documentaries, playing board/card games and going for walks without her phone.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
How does silence affect you? Can you stay in it? Like Stephanie, do you have a fear of it?
How does the poem speak to you?