Healing from a Rejection as an ACOD
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Charles Sprague Pearce’s Heartbreak (c.1884), Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Experiencing rejection from someone you really like, and feel a connection to, is always a painful experience. For an adult child of divorce (ACOD), it can be painful and challenging in a whole other light. I am speaking from personal experience due to a rejection that I experienced recently. I know I am not alone in this. While living in Spain, I met and began talking to and getting to know a Spanish man. He and I shared the same Catholic faith and the same values. We talked so easily and could speak each other’s languages. I sensed no red flags and felt at peace and hopeful about discerning a dating relationship that I could see coming. I believe that he did, too. I began to feel a connection early on, but, alas, before too much time, he rejected me, with the only reason being that I was a foreigner: I am an American of Mexican heritage.
This rejection caught me by surprise, and it was a major shock, since our meeting and connection had started off great. I was in disbelief at what he said when he told me that he realized that he needed to marry a Spanish girl, that he did not want an international family, and that he wanted his children to be Spanish and to be raised by a native Spanish woman to preserve his culture and ethnicity. We then said our last goodbyes after the conversation that ended things. I was left shocked, devastated, and in utter disbelief. The sting of his words stuck with me and still hurts. I am still processing it, as it happened to me very recently. I was unprepared to be rejected by a man who shared my same faith and values, with whom I felt a connection, and about whom I had no bad gut instincts. I was also unprepared to be rejected because of my nationality.
Experiencing and handling rejection from someone is always an awful experience, no matter your family’s background, but for me as an ACOD, the pain of it all was on a whole other level. For me, I saw before my eyes my fears in dating as an ACOD come to light. I have feared ending up in a relationship with a man who does not treat me well. That fear came true when and how I least expected it to. I feared that I would overlook subtle red flags. I feared the pain of rejection and how it would potentially affect me. That fear was realized, but I am on the journey of healing. I feared things not working out with someone whom I really liked. I feared being left by a man again, as my father had left me.
The sudden rejection happened to me when I least expected it. I knew that I would experience negativity due to my race at some point, but I never thought it would be in a dating context. This experience felt like everything was on the up, but then it all came crumbling down at a moment’s notice— just as my paren’s’ marriage did right before my eleven-year old-eyes. I was unprepared for it mentally and emotionally. I have needed time to process what happened and to begin my healing journey. Healing and getting back up is never easy nor linear, but it is a journey that I have embarked on.
Here are some of the things that are helping me on this journey. I pray they may be helpful for you, if you are healing from a breakup or a rejection, especially as an ACOD.
Taking the time I need to feel and process my feelings and the whole experience. I have been giving myself the time and space that I need with the Lord to fully feel my feelings, and to process them as well as the experience. I have been doing this by journaling, allowing myself to sit with and fully feel my feelings, writing about it, and surrendering it all to the Lord and laying it all at His feet. I am praying for God’s will to be done in my life, and in the life of the man who rejected me. Spending quiet time in Adoration has been peaceful and healing. Praying for the man who rejected me has been healing. Taking a break from the dating scene to give myself time and space to process this and waiting until I feel more or less healed enough is huge for me. As I am someone who is very sensitive and gets deeply affected by the things that happen to and around me, time and space to process and heal is crucial.
Keeping myself busy. While I am taking the time I need to process and heal from the experience, and to feel all of the feelings and emotions, I am also making sure not to let myself dwell in that place too much and for too long. I am sticking to my normal routine and schedule for the most part, as well as making time to engage in my hobbies and other activities. I am also doing my best to stay on top of my physical care by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Finding balance between being sad and moving on with my life is not always easy, but has been crucial in helping me to heal and to eventually be able to move on by continuing with my normal life and daily routine.
Spending time on creative hobbies. Something else that has been extremely therapeutic for me has been spending time on my hobbies. Some hobbies that I love doing are writing, cooking, and reading classic literature. I have been doing lots of journaling, and now I am writing this piece for you! Sharing my story with this amazing community is so healing for me. I have also been cooking and trying out new and delicious recipes. And, while this may sound puzzling to some, I have also been reading and re-reading some of my favorite children’s classics and historical fiction. I have found this to be therapeutic as it is nostalgic for me, and allows me to use my imagination as a childlike escape. Also, though poorly, I have taken to watercolor painting for the simple sake of creating and playing with color as a means of letting my creativity thrive and flourish in a way that is not my usual medium. Allowing myself to be imperfect at something has been so freeing, and therefore comforting and healing for me. If you are on a healing journey, taking up a new hobby or resurrecting one from the past is something that I would very much encourage you to do, as well, whether it is painting, photography, cooking, writing, drawing, sewing, or playing a musical instrument. The list goes on. Channeling your creativity can be healing as it allows you to connect with an inherent God-given gift that is creativity, as He Himself is the Creator. Creating makes us co-creators with our Divine Creator. We reflect Him when we are creating. I find creativity to be incredibly healing.
Knowing that I am loved by Love Himself. I am a daughter of the Most High King, He who is Love Himself. Jesus loves me unconditionally and He accepts me unconditionally. He was with me when this man rejected me. He is with me each morning as I wake up with an intense sorrow in my chest. He is with me when I feel alone and unloved. He sees me when I feel unseen and loves me when I feel unloved. He was with me on those dark nights I spent sobbing in bed due to my parents having split up. He was with me then, now, and always. The opposite of rejection is acceptance and Jesus always accepts you. He sees you for who you are even when people do not. You are a beloved child of God. You are loved by Him unconditionally. I know that everything I desire from a husband, and from a father, I already have endlessly, unconditionally from God, He who is Love Himself. My desires to be seen, loved, known, pursued, and cherished by a man are already fulfilled by Jesus, and in Him alone. Only God can satisfy and fulfill the true and deepest longings of our hearts. I now realize that even in a relationship, and if I am ever married with a family of my own in the future, that I am still going to yearn and long for something more. A spouse cannot fulfill and satisfy your soul. Only Jesus can satisfy you. Make sure that you turn to Him first. Tell Him that you want to love Him first and foremost with your whole heart, mind, and strength. (This would be an amazing Adoration conversation with Him!) Only God can satisfy. You are loved. Jesus gives of Himself so that we may give of ourselves to Him. Start with the Lord. He will guide and direct your path. You will heal, and you will feel whole again.
While rejection is always and undoubtedly a painful experience regardless of your family’s background, there is always hope for healing and being able to move on. There is hope because with every death, there is always a resurrection. There is hope that you will feel joyful and whole again. There is hope of meeting and marrying the right person who God is saving for you. There is hope that the pain of rejection will one day not hurt so bad. There is hope of healing and coming out stronger on the other side of it. That is how the Lord can work. He can use our pain for our own healing and for His greater glory. Marriage is not the goal. Heaven is the goal. A spouse ought not be that for which we long Jesus is the one for whom we long, the one for whom our soul thirsts. He Who is the Alpha and Omega. He is our Divine Creator. He is the God who is Love Himself! Jesus is the true Bridegroom. An earthly marriage cannot complete us; only He can. God always accepts you and He will never reject you, even if another person rejected you , perhaps out of their own brokenness. We will never completely heal this side of heaven, but there is hope for you that awaits on the other side of this life and of any and all earthly sufferings and human brokenness. The risen Lord has triumphed over it all.
Prayer:
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
you have given the world its true light,
Jesus, your Son – the Son of God.
You abandoned yourself completely
to God's call
and thus became a wellspring
of the goodness which flows forth from him.
Show us Jesus. Lead us to him.
Teach us to know and love him,
so that we too can become
capable of true love
and be fountains of living water
in the midst of a thirsting world.
(This prayer is by Pope Benedict XVI and comes from his encyclical Deus Caritas Est.)
About the Author:
Isabel is an adult child of divorce in her mid-twenties. Her parents divorced when she was eleven. She is passionate about using her writing charism to build the Kingdom, reading classic literature, traveling and experiencing other cultures, engaging in meaningful conversation over an iced coffee, and doing anything creative!
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
Think of your own experiences with breakups, rejections, and/or unrequited love. What feelings emerge? How did those feelings change as time passed? How do you see God active in those times looking back?
Do you have other ways of healing from rejection that the author did not include in her list?
With respect to being rejected by someone in this world, what does it mean, personally, to you, to be a son or daughter of the Most High King?
How can you show love to someone who has recently experienced rejection?